Lagoon Creature

2007.

The place? The dearly departed Baileys.
The culprits? 2 of my "friends." and one other, who will be called "Lagoon Creature"

Factors involved that led to this heinous oversight: alcohol and a sticky icky green substance

Friends, this night I had on what you might call a pair of goggles. Really, really thick, smoke-beer filled goggles. Everyone at Baileys was lookin alllllllriiiight to me. And come on. Half the dudes in Baileys, more times than not, are a bit questionable. Do they shower? How long has he had those pants on? Is that DOODOO on the back of his shirt? Did he sit in something? And are those dreads on purpose, or did they just happen? Baileys is DARK anyway. The odds were stacked up against me.

I'm rocking out to Earthbound. Probably dancing like a fool. This guy comes up behind me. I turn around, and might as well be staring at Fabio! I'm thinking, WOW! The hottest guy in Baileys is definitely talking to me right now! We take a seat at a side table and start talking about everything. We're really spilling guts to each other.

Creature: I like your chacos.
me: I like your shirt.
me: and your hair. how its all messy.
Creature: yeah, your eyes are, this amazing green color.
me: (swooning) Your eyes are, are...

He stops me at this point with a kiss. Kids, I dont make out in public. I dont condone public displays of affection. They make me sick. Sometimes, even hand holding bothers me. So the fact that i'm making out with this guy should tell you, I was INTO him. People were disgusted. Later, I would find out why. But not soon enough.

I go to the bathroom with my friends.

Me: Did you guys see Creature? Is he not awesome!
friends: staring blankly at me.

I see the corners of their mouths twitching. At the time, I could not see this was restrained laughter.

me: Be happy for me! Say something! I'm taking this guy home. For sure.
friends: oh, yeah.. (pause). You TOTALLY should.

Jealous bitches! I thought. Just mad that i'm hooking up with the hottest guy here. Whatever. I totally ditch my friends and continue my drunk making out. Pretty soon, everyone is ready to leave and we all pile in friend#1's car and head back to her apartment. I bring the Lagoon Creature with me. We make out in the back seat the whole way home. There is also major gropeage going on. My friends are laughing. I dont put it together that they are laughing at me. At the time, I thought they were telling funny jokes. Really, really, hilariously fucking funny jokes.

We reach friend#1's apartment and he & I immediately go into the extra bedroom with the twin bed. Just the right size for GETTING.IT.ON. And thats what happens. We get it on. I would like to give you more detail, but my mind has blocked it out. Kind of like trauma victims, you know? Sometimes things are so painful to remember your body just says, fuck it, get out of here, bad memory.

The next morning, my sneaky bitch friend comes in the room.

"GOOD MORNING LOVEBIRDS~!"
me: ufhhhmmmmmmmmm (unintelligible, still drunk grunt)
friend: I have to go to work! You coming? (we worked together at the time.)
me: tell them ill be there later. I gotta take creature back to his car.

As soon as she leaves, I hop up and get in her bed. Its big and comfy and I was feeling a little shameful. I sleep for 30 more minutes. I go to wake him up.

"Hey, creature! Its time to go. Come on. Get up."
He rolls over. Opens his eyes. But something strange is happening here. I turn away. I couldn't process it while looking at him. I'm also hoping maybe since he had JUST opened his eyes, maybe they had to adjust or something.

creature: Come get back in bed for a minute.

I slowly look over at him. His eyes are open. And those motherfuckers are CROSSED.

I start panicking. I start thinking about all the people I saw last night. All the people that saw ME. and this crosseyed motherfucker. MAKING OUT. A memory of me telling friends how i'd met this great guy. A memory of me trying to compliment his eyes but getting cut off by his tongue down my throat. That sneaky bastard. He probably thought he was the luckiest fucker alive!

me: no. no. come on. we gotta go. NOW.

I'm talking in a really high pitched voice. It was involuntary. And I was talking really fast. I couldnt look at him. I seriously did not look at him ONE time, from Alabaster to Homewood. Except when we pulled into his complex. I looked over just one more time, to make sure he had googly eyes. YEP, still crossed.
At this point he had probably gotten that I had sobered up and the ruse was up! He didnt make it weird. He got the hell out of my car and slammed the door, and I peeled out of there.

At work, said friends were sitting there WAITING for me to walk in. As soon as I walked in, they lost all composure.

friends: did you drop loverboy off? Whens the wedding! Your kids will be so fucking cute!
me: eat a dick. no, eat lots of dicks.
friends: did you eat some dick last night? Cross eyed dick?

I walk away. We laugh about it later. They got me. I got GOT. I thought this was the last I would see of the creature. I was wrong.

FF to Oct 2008. It's the night of the Phil Lesh & Friends/Allman Bros concert. THere are a few of us going and we have a hotel room to party in. After the show, we decide we want to get our minds a little more twisted. One friend suggests a substance that shall remain nameless. None of us have any. Another guy says, "I know this guy. Hes cool. Hell bring it here."

30 minutes later there is a knock on the door. I beebop over, excited.
Guess who is on the other side.

THE FUCKING LAGOON CREATURE.

creature: hey, I know you from somewhere!
me: MM.. nope. Dont think weve ever met.
creature: No, I KNOW i know you from somewhere. Ill figure it out.

shit, shit, shit, i'm thinking. I'm actually with a guy I like this night. And of all fucking nights. The lagoon creature moonlights as a drug dealer. Guess his modeling day job doesnt pay him enough. A couple of hours later he comes up to me, as i'm sitting next to the guy I actually DO like on the bed.

creature: I figured out how i know you.
me: Oh (i get highpitched and fast here) really? hmm. Wow I have a terrible memory. Thats cool though good to see you again okay bye.
creature: I havent even told you.
FUCK.
me: oh, wow, geez (nervous laughter.) Where.
creature: WINKS and walks away.

guy that I like: What was that about?

There was a long silence as I was trying to concoct some elaborate, shitfilled story to throw him off, but for some reason while I was still debating, I just word vomited the truth.
me: oh i fucked him last year.
guy that I like: Hahahah. Thats why I like you! You have a wild sense of humor.


Yes.. yes I do. :)

Pit Stains McGee

scene: 3 girls sitting at a table at a place which shall remain nameless. Well, we'll call it smuffalo smild wings. karaoke is about to start. We know its going to be good because the guy that is going to sing first is singing a Metallica song and hes already started headbanging his long, disgusting hair. So, we're feelin' it. We're READY. We've got some making-fun of material, we are pumped.. Let's do this thing.

We are already about 5 pitchers in.
2 guys come over to our table. One kind of resembles Matt Dillon from Wild Things, my friend is into him. His friend was fun.. we are conversating.. I could see every muscle underneath his size schmedium shirt. It was not at all unpleasant. *side note: the third friend had at this point began talking to strangers at other tables.

I'm wearing a pink cardigan. Not thick like a sweater, thin, very thin. This doesn't sound relevant, but trust me.. It is. Said guy is making all kinds of intelligent conversation with me.

Him: I'm from Miami, but I live in Calera.
me: Why the hell did you leave there to come here.
Him: Why is the sky blue?
me: *confused, but goes for it anyway.* uhhh, Does a bear shit in the woods?

(I never found out why he moved because our conversation went in the aforementioned direction for a WHILE)*

anytime a really ugly guy walked by he would say, "hey you're boyfriend is here." which was funny.. What was even funnier is that he would point at them and he was talking VERY loudly. The person would hear him. Haha.

Him: (looks deep into my eyes) If you were a booger, i'd pick you first!
me: huge, shit eating grin. (Why, you ask? Because here is what I heard when he said that: "You are stunning, darling. You are intelligent, beautiful, witty and I we should date." *warning: alcohol makes you hallucinate)

At one point I tell him that I think his boobs are bigger than mine. I have a vague memory of some jaeger shots. I start squeezing publicly fondling his muscly man boobs. Haha. I tell him I think he should do a song, topless.

Him: Dare me.
me: Okay, I dare you.
him: I'm going to wear your cardigan, with nothing underneath.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is where I reach what I like to call a FUCKING DILEMMA. I've been sweating this guy. And when I say sweating, I mean literally, I have pit stains. They werent stinky, but wooo boy were they wet. He's trying to convince me out of my shirt. Not the way I wanted this to happen, but man, I want to see him with his shirt off. I was at the threshold! Fuck it, I think. (actually, I think the beer was pretty much doing my thinking at this point) I take off the cardigan.. he goes to the bathroom with it.

me: (to my friends) That guy is about to experience my pit stain wrath.
friends: maniacal laughter... Maybe... laughter.. maybe... maybe he won't... laughter... notice!me: It's not funny! I'm so embarrassed! Listen, the pit stains are.. pretty substantial guys. He's going to notice. Dear God, hes going to NOTICE.

Well, at this point we are all sitting back, waiting for the show. Said friends are laughing, still. I have my head in the pitcher at this point. He's been in there for a long time. One could only deduce it was because he was just, really, in awe of what my pits had produced. When they are they bad theres no way you cant just, respect them.

after an eternity, He comes out of the bathroom in my way-to-small-for him cardigan. Buttoned up. FLEXING HIS ARMS, SHOWING MY PIT STAINS TO THE WHOLE BAR, who, at this point, ARE ALL STANDING UP AND CLAPPING FOR HIM. I hear people asking whos cardigan it is. YEAH. People are noticing the wet spots. He gets up to sing. He's still flexing and doing schwartzneger (sp) poses.

Operation: Take shots and forget about this commences.

The pictures are for your enjoyment and to help illustrate my pain...I hope that my mild humiliation has bettered your day, in some shape, form or fashion. Until next time.