Cuddles and the Bloody Shirt

Anc-whores away!

I did a stint in the UNITED STATES NAVY. Some of my best misadventures come from The good old Carl Vinson, CVN-70.. the aircraft carrier I was stationed on. Or, "Cell Block 70 as we so lovingly called it.
I'll be blogging all my navy/drunken misadventures following this. I've tapped a pretty good resource with the navy stories. Moving along..

There are a couple of things that change for a woman when she enters the military. You are automatically elevated at LEAST three points. If you are a 5 in real life, in the Navy, you're an 8. The pickings are slim. I'm not kidding. On the ship, I used to rack next to a bitch that made old Gollum here look like Megan Fox. It was like this, If I said, "Hey, would you rather do Gollum or the bitch that I racked next to, it would be SO easy for you to pick Gollum. No hesitation.










I'm not conceited in the least, but when I was in the Navy I had a fucking EGO problem. I could have any guy I wanted! It was only when we'd go out to "real" bars i'd get shot down, and taken back to reality.. (unless the civilian hottie was really drunk... in that case, well, you know the rest.)

Okay, the three point rule.. well multiply that shit by 5 when you're out to sea. Case in point:

I deployed with Cuddles in August. I was repulsed by Cuddles. It was well known that Cuddles had a crush on me. I was NOT having that shit. In September, I was laughing at Cuddles jokes. By October, me and Cuddles decided that when we hit port in December, we'd grab a beer. In December, we hit said port, and Cuddles hit it.




When you're walking off the brow of the ship, it's pretty ridiculous. Guys you've been out to sea with are seeing you for the first time out of your utilities or coveralls and without grease on your face. You're basically a boner magnet.

Me and Cuddles and a couple of other guys in my division hit up some bars in Thailand. We're throwing ridiculous amounts of liquor back. (Wait, thats not really different, so I'll just say, "We we're drinking like I normally do.)
Being a minority (a woman) in the military, these guys were like my brothers. Well, brothers that I occasionally got drunk and boned. So, sometimes, I was forced to go to titty bars. This wasn't exactly a titty bar. It was more like a, "We are all hookers here. Everyone knows it, everyone is cool with it. Buy me drinks and rets go fuck, you pay me, me ruv roo rong time" kind of a bar.

A couple of us notice that one of our buddies, Airman ILovePussy has been basically all-but-fucking this chick for about an hour. On further inspection, those of us not as wasted as Airman ILP realize that his "chick" has an adam's apple. The guys are laughing. After about five minutes, we come to a decision to tell him. Who knows what he would do if he found a boner, right? ILP had a short fuse.

US: Hey. You should probably quit making out with that dude, and maybe find ....a chick.
ILP: IT IS A CHICK!
(note, he's referring to it as a chick, subconsciously.)
US: Definitely not a chick. Maybe wants to be a chick, but failed to get the "trach-shave." Not a chick.

































Transexual surgery where they can actually shave down the adams apple, to fool even those trained with a "your vagina feels an awful lot like a weiner that has been fashioned to look like a vagina" radar.")

This went on for a while. ILP ignores us.

We all go our seperate ways. Meaning, all of my other guy friends went with the Thailand hookers, Cuddles and I went back to the hotel.
I throw months of pent up frustration sex vibes at Cuddles. He comes over to the bed.

Cuddles: Can I kiss you?
I fucking hate this shit. Be a man. TAKE CHARGE MOTHERFUCKER. Are you kidding me? READ THE SIGNS YOU ASS HAT. If i'm in a hotel room, alone with you, and drunk.... what do you think? Yes. Kiss me. Kiss my va-jean with your boner. NOW.
I am slightly turned off by Cuddles romantic gestures. Brushing hair out of my face. Intertwining his fingers with mine. No. Cuddles wants to make love. I just want to get laid. Making love is for douche canoes, or people in relationships (which i'm currently not in, so I can hate on it as much as I want to!)

Cuddles precedes to sex me into boredom. I've assumed the dead fish position. Meanwhile he is trying to look into my eyes. I think I taste throw up. Cuddles says, "Are you going to.. you know.. soon?"

Seriously? You cant even say 'cum'? While we're boning? Wow! Dirty talk is awesome, and you want to ask me if i'm going to, you know soon?"

me: Nope.
Cuddles: Why? What's wrong?
me: Do you want me to be honest? Or.. do you want me to lie?
Cuddles is still thrusting away while we're having this conversation. I can see him weighing the pros and cons. I was about to straight up kill his self esteem but I decide I can't do it. He was a nice guy.
me: I feel sick. Like, diarrhea sick.

Cuddles' boner shrivles into nothingness. (It wasn't much past 'nothingness' to begin with)

I always use diarrhea as my "plan b." The mere mention of it can end sex just.like.that. I don't recommend it unless you're in a situation as dire as mine, and KNOW without a REASONABLE doubt that you will never ever be sleeping with, or WANT to sleep with this person again.

As we are drifting off, ILP, who was staying in the hotel room with us, busts into the room. He is sweaty and out of breath. Not to mention, hes sporting serious blood stains.

He precedes to tell us this:

"So I go back to this fucking, fuck house, or something with-- that thing. I've felt up everything on her---I mean.. him.. In the bar! You guys saw me! I kept trying to get my hands in the panties, but it wouldn't let me. So i'm thinking.. Ok, this hooker is playing hard to get, kind of.. not what they are supposed to do at all, a little off putting, but its okay. I'm willing to accept what I can get right now you know???"
We are staring at him. He notices we are gazing at the blood stain(s).

"Oh, you're probably wondering why i'm bloody. I'll get to that. Just listen."
Cuddles is pinching my leg really hard. I look at him and see real fear in his eyes. Not surprising for a dude who's just fucking, made love to me like we're celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary.

"So anyway, she takes me back to this fuck house. Or whatever its called when hookers all live in the same house. I have already fingered her ass! My fingers, this finger, and THIS FINGER.. were in her, his, ASS! He punches the wall. Like he's trying to punish his hand. For being in a dudes butt. (He ended up breaking his hand)

"We go up to her room. She goes down on me for a second. I pull her back up because at this point the memories from the bar are flooding back, and i'm thinking.. wait.. what if they are right? What if its a dude? Am I gay right now? So to make a long story short. It was a dude. I'm going to sleep."

He strips off the bloody shirt.

Cuddles: Well, how did you find out, physically that it was a dude?
ILP: I dont know what gave it away. The balls, or holy sheep shit batman! the boner taped to its leg. It was a tough call but in the end, it was definitely the boner that made my mind up.
Cuddles: What the fuck did you do to it? That's a lot of blood!
ILP: Ahh, fuck off. Some of it is mine. That bitch fought back. Apparently not her--his first rodeo. I got some good hits in. You'd be pissed too, you shitstain! I was (he shudders) kind of gay tonight.
Cuddles: Kind of?
ILP: DUDE. Shut the fuck up.

Cuddles left well enough alone. ILP could have broken his ass in two. Which, was kind of hot. ILP had just been gay with a dude, then beat the dude up.

I bet he takes charge in bed, I thought to myself. Unlike the sad sack of shit I was laying next to. I'm now laying beside a guy who thinks I have bubble guts, and i'm fantasizing about the bloody dude next to us that has just beaten up a shemale and has dude-ass funk on his fingers. Fuck my life.

Cuddles and I had major "awkwardness" after the Thailand trip.

ILP beat at least 5 people up in as many months because word got out regarding his gaycapades.