Mushroom sex, Corky, and the Homeless Dude

Seattle. I had some really awesome times when I lived there.

Some of the best people I know still live there, and I try to visit about twice a year. On my last visit, I was crashing with some friends. It was my last night there and we were planning to get all kinds of fucked up. We had started drinking at about 2 in the afternoon.

I was puking by 6 pm, but my motto is, puke it up so you can drink more. I adhere to a strict drinking code. I don't play.

We hit up Club Medusas around 11. Its kind of got a Vegas club feel. The lights and smoke were kind of interferring with the 4 or 5 ritalins i'd just snorted, I was actually feeling a little tweeked out, but I decided to go with it anyway because hey, it was my last night. I was treating it like a bachlorette party or something, like this was my last "hoorah."

Around closing time, I feel someone standing behind me. A creepy presence. In hindsight, Should I have gone with my gut and walked away? Absofuckinglutely.

But who am I to turn down some potential ding dong? There are starving kids in Africa, for godssake!!!I decide to turn around and give this guy the once over.

I am NOT dissapointed. He is not sporting gelled hair, which, most of the time, is an immediate disqualifier. He has on decent clothes. I do a quick croc check. Okay, we're good in that department too. He starts turning on the charm. I'm using his name as I have no clever nickname for him.

Josh: What's up.
Me: You tell me.
Josh: When I saw you walk in, I got a boner.

Wow. I didnt mean for him to LITERALLY tell me what was up, but he took it there. And thats just the kind of romantic shit I love. Swept right off my feet with the boner comment. I tell my friends I will be accompanying Josh to his apartment a couple of blocks over.

Josh and I are having trouble keeping our clothes on on the short walk back to his pad. We've been doing the sloppy gross make out thing. Its time.to.bone.yo. We proceed to have some pretty amazing sex. I can't say a bad word about it. During the sex Josh tells me he's been eating mushrooms. He is saying some crazy shit, for example, he keeps screaming, FRESH!! which I overlook, because if eating mushrooms make you fuck like that then I am highly recommending a mushroom diet to any guy i've ever slept with. And I will overlook any verbal faux pas. I'm sweaty at the end of it. And its fucking COLD in Seattle. We both pass out pretty naked in his bed.
Like I said, I had snorted some ritalin earlier because of the whole puking incident, and I wasn't really sleeping very soundly, even after the punishment Josh had just unleashed on my vah-jean.
Plus, I dont ever sleep as well as I would in my own bed, and seeing how it was 3600 miles away, I was making due. I again awoke to the creepy feeling of someone being in the room. Josh was behind me, with one delicious tattooed arm thrown over me. But this was a feeling of someone else being in the room. I look over Josh's shoulder. Oh.Shit.

There is someoene else in the room. Sitting in a computer chair. I'm flashing back, trying to remember surveying my surroundings when I walked, or tumbled into the room, but I can't. I start poking Josh. He is OUT. I call out to the "dude."

Hey, dude. DUDE.
The dude thing is so stoic, I'm almost thinking, maybe it's like, a statue or something.

He is not answering me. I am actually scared shitless at this point. Like, Okay. Did Josh transfer some mushrooms, into me or something? Is this real? He finally starts coming to.

Josh: What? Hmm? Wha?
Me: (in a whisper) There is someone in your computer chair!
Josh sits straight up and starts screaming at the guy. "What the fuck Bob!??? How many times do I have to tell you that shit isn't fucking cool????" The dude, who I now know to be, Bob, starts making some familar sounds. Like, I dont know how else to say it, but um, down syndrome sounds. Josh flicks on the lamp and the dude runs out like, fucking QUICK.

My eyes are wide as hell at this point. I look at Josh.
Josh: That was my uncle. He's retarded. Not in the mean way, like, he really is.
Me: What the fuck was he doing in here!
Josh: He likes to watch people sleep.
Me: That's not retard behavior. That's serial killer behavior.
Josh: He can't help it.
I'm having overall issues on a couple of things. 1. How many times has this happened. 2. Why does his uncle live there, when it was pretty clear from his general demeanor, that he should probably be in a home, and 3. HOW LONG WAS HE IN THERE.

Josh is like, totally cool about this whole thing. I am not cool with it, because I don't know HOW LONG he was actually in there. Like, did Corky from Life Goes On just watch me get dealt with?

I am suddenly stone cold sober and I need to get the fuck out of there. I'm pulling on my clothes almost faster than Josh got them off. I know where the ferry station is, only I am so flustered at the time that I fail to remember they don't run after 12 am. I reach into my back pocket. Cell phone. Check. FUCK. No purse. All my cash, debit card, everything I needed was in there. On my walk there, after trying my friends about 30 times, I remember from living in Seattle that the Ferry station would be my safest bet, as there were other people there and it was already 4 am, I wouldnt have to wait long for it to resume service. I take a seat near the stairs. It's fucking cold out. I decide to start acting crazy, as its very obvious to me all of the other people who are inhabiting this fucking ferry station have lost their fucking minds, or are well on the way there, at least.

I am mumbling to myself. Mostly cuss words. I start trying to throw in some chinese so I can use that excuse if anyone tries to talk to me. That sounded like a good idea at the time to me. You know, because I am chinese and all.

About an hour into it, 2 fucking wanna be gangsters walk up to me. Seriously, I want you to know, they were probably 15. I was not even scared of being approached by them.

"Hey girl. You wanna get a hotel room or something? We got cash." (really, just like that.)
"Jing ching xu habla english." (Who says I couldnt be like, spanish and chinese ya know?)

One of them tells me, "Hey you're American, girl. Speak American."

I tell them I have AIDS.
Although it does make them walk away, one of them hesitates, which leads me to believe, okay, the straggler probably DOES have AIDS. Maybe he was hoping we could create some kind of super strand together.

I am resting my head on my knees when the black gentleman sitting beside me starts shoving newspaper in my direction. I look at him like he is shoveling shit at me. He is obviously not a resident of a home. Aka homeless.

"If you stuff it in your jacket, you will stay a little warmer." I am guessing he noticed me shivering.

This was just, the last thing I wanted to hear. None of my friends could answer their goddamed cell phones, I had just done a walk of shame before it was even daylight, and OH THATS RIGHT, fucking Forrest Gump had just spied on me for I dont know how long.

"Are you trying to give me some fucking handy homeless tips, man??? I'm not homeless, motherfucker! Do you see this jacket??? It's ESCADA. I have a cell phone! And a debit card! Don't fucking talk to me!" He looked at me for about 6 seconds before saying,

"You still cold aintcha... bitch."

And yes. I was cold.

About 10 minutes later I got a call from Josh who asked me if I was fucking retarded for walking to the ferry station by myself. I shit you not, he used those words.

The irony of that statement was not lost on me.