Krankenstein & The Saw Bathroom

In this post, i'm going to introduce you to my friend, Shine. You've heard of her before. It was in her apartment that I fornicated with the lagoon creature. It was her who shamelessly made fun of me about it. (she still does, do you blame her?) But, I digress.

We were, once again, at the infamous Baileys (the scene of most of my crimes). Me, Shine, and Krank are drinking it up. This guy comes up behind me and whispers this in my ear:



"So you're the girl i'm going home with tonight?"

I whirl around and am faced with a problem. See, I have a rule. Well, not so much a rule.. its more like a fact. I don't hook up with asian dudes. Why? I'm not racist (depending on who you ask of course). I have NEVER, not one time met an asian i've been attracted to. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever, but so far I havent seen one i'm attracted to.

But this guy, was the exception to every asian rule. He was tan, tall, and good looking.

me: are you asian?
him: my mom is, but my dad is from cullman.
me: so, you're a yellowneck!


He laughs at my off color joke and I begin to appreciate his beauty more and more. Not only his beauty but this guy was fucking confident. And most girls I know will tell you that is a huge turn on. We start calling him "gaysian" because he dresses so well, was in a feminine profession (can't tell you here, in fear of "outing" him), and I kind of think he was wearing eyeliner (this would be confirmed later). Nonetheless, I was feeling him.

We proceed to make out in the bathroom at Baileys (where my friend snapped a pic of us) before getting kicked out for "inappropriate behavior".




Both my friends (the very same ones who told me the Lagoon Creature was hot) assured me, he was, indeed, hot, and that they would go to his house with me to "party" as he called it. We make the trek to his house that he apparently shares with like, 6 other dudes. Who are all art fags.

Aren't art fags supposed to be like, artsy and clean?
My friends are NOT impressed. They come up to the room with me and gaysian. Gaysian is at this point trying to talk me out of my pants. I did not want to give them up for the following reasons:

1. I still wasn't sure if he was gay, or bi or what.
2. Because I didnt know the answer to number 1, I didn't want to risk getting a case of the aids.
3. his room was straight up STANKA-DOCIOUS.


However, none of the above reasons detered me from making out with him, which is what I was doing when my friends walk in. We somehow get involved in an anatomical discussion about womens velvety love folds, and how they are set up. Krank draws a picture to illustrate but it looks like a fucking shark.

(she had it designed where the uh.. "love button" would actually be in th sharks mouth. Look at it sideways. It still won't make sense, but hey.. when in rome?)

The gaysian at this point, thinks its okay for him to just disrobe completely. So he gets naked. With my friends in the room. He already had his shirt off from our lackluster makeout session. He was showing me his tats. Guess what they were. Asian words. Yep.

He has now dropped trou, to reveal a tiny little gaysian pecker. I try to see if I can see aids on it. (apparently aids is invisible to the naked eye.. crazy) Krank and Shine exit the room, but not before Krank goes in to have a closer inspection of said tinydick, and tells him what she thinks of it. "thats a really little weenie, man."
Krank dates black guys. This hog was not up to standards, for her at least.

Me & gaysian resume making out when I hear Krank & Shine hysterically laughing in the next room, followed by something breaking, and then I hear Shine say, "EEEEEEEEEeeeEeeeEW!"


I decide i'm not into this. After seeing the tiny pehn-is, not knowing if he likes it in the bum, and being straight up disgusted by his house, I tell Gaysian we should hang out another time (lie). I tromp downstairs, feeling somewhat defeated because I wasted like, 6 hours of my life on this guy.

As soon as we get outside, they tell me about his bathroom. The way they describe it was too unbelievable.


me: No way it was that gross.
SK: Yes, it was, you had to see it to believe it. Here, we took a picture.

They pull out a cell phone picture of something comparable to this:


Shine sat down while Krank actually pissed in the toilet full of black plague and shit. They said it smelled like hammered shit logs, cooked rice, and old mayonaise in there.
Shine decided she couldn't even piss on top of it, or hover, so she uses a chair to climb up and piss on the sink (keeping it classy). She breaks the chair. This was the loud noise I heard in mid-make out session. Krank also reveals to me that she stole some of the gaysians make up. Yep. HIS makeup.

Shine and I are caught up in the humor of the whole situation and laughing as we walk past that cop station back behind the Baileys, kind of across from that ATT building. We turn around and realize Krank is a lot more fucked up than we thought she was. She is carrying her shoes and walking with her arms out in front of her. (in front of the cop station)

me: Holy shit! Why the fuck are you walking like Frankenstein!
Shine: Krankenstein! It's Krankenstein! (name starts with a K)

We take off running.

To this day, when I think of a va-jean, I think of a shark.